It's all been said

Over and over. I always win the quiet game, except with you. You bring out my voice, because I am desperate for you to hear me. I can't stop reaching out,  no matter how silent the response.
Yet, it's all been said, over and over again. So that's what we do now, sit in silence.

Deja Vu,

I feel like I'm in a constant state of deja vu. The same conversations over and over. I meet strangers, they all say the same things. I listen to others talking, its all the same. Has every possible conversation already been had? Is there anything new to say? And since we are all saying the same things, why can't we find common ground? 

you

used to have the upper hand... not any longer. your eyelashes mystify me, I yearn for you when you are away, and can't seem to do without you any longer. i can't ever regain that upper hand because I will never be able to be out of your favor, because I will forever need your presence.

josh ritter

love. Southern Pacifica. feeling displaced, out of sorts... reading his note about his latest album, So Runs the World Away,
"After my last record, Historical Conquests, a feeling came stealing over me that I had a reckoning in store. It was a new feeling, sinister in its emptiness, and it fell across me like a cold shadow. After almost a decade on the road, my life seemed as if it had become the one I always dreamed of; I was playing shows, living the charmed existence of a writer who has worked very hard and been very lucky. Still, the shadow was there, and I knew it had found me for a reason. I knew that I would have to wrestle it eventually. In the meantime though, in the words of Muriel Spark, I went on my way rejoicing. Then one day the shadow fell across me and stayed there. You know what that’s like. Anyone who loves to do something and then, one day, finds no joy in it, knows what that’s like. I suppose I could say I was burned out, but it wasn’t that; I wanted to write and I wanted to play, but nothing, nothing felt right to me anymore. Even more than that, nothing felt original. "


Seriously. I feel like I'm fighting the shadow. I don't know what the next step is. Maybe a sabbatical, but it seems like there is no end to the hustling and the suffering. I want to reach the point that I am NOT hand to mouth. My whole life has been that way. Hand to mouth. 
So much to do, and even now, that my time is my own as much as it will be, its still not enough. The urge to organize and get together is overwhelmed with reports of methane clouds that will suffocate in the middle of the night. Just what this hypochondriac needs, another reason to hide. 

where is my mind.
again and again. seriously thinking about finally enjoying my life. feeling .
seriously considering what I want for the first time ... in a long ... long time.

opening up old doorways. passions.... thinking about authenticity in a real way. not in some sort of ideal ... whatnot .
a REAL way. authentic.
expression.

really.
no ... really.
where is my mind?

Hunting LCD tv's

Waiting in line at the kid's school.